At the End of Myself

Alright friends, I have to confess something to you. Last night was rough. After quite a few days of self-doubt, it happened; a full force emotional breakdown.

My poor husband, bless him. He’s over here trying to earn a masters degree in marriage and family therapy and I am providing him with more than enough one-on-one training. I add an extra level of excitement because I think he should be able to read my mind, because, you know, we’re married. Not so much the case. (Love you, babe.)

While many women will be able to relate to feeling so overwhelmed there’s nothing to do but I cry, I must say, I’m embarrassed about it. Here’s why: I don’t like saying I ‘feel’ a certain way. I have this idea in my head that feelings are for the weak and that people will think I’m being over-dramatic or over-emotional when I begin my sentence with “I feel like…”. Being misunderstood is one of my greatest fears. Another fear? Living a life with no purpose.

Believing that I am on a fast track to living a life without purpose is the lie I was believing last night. I’ll be completely honest and say that transitioning from college to an 8-5 work week has been much tougher than I had originally anticipated. I have been feeling insecure, lonely and out-of-place. In Manhattan it was so easy to find community. I was surrounded by friends that were in the same season of life with me, it was easy.

I am currently in a season of life where I have no clear path set before me. I feel like all of my major milestones are behind me. I graduated high school, I got married, I graduated college, I got a job. I suppose the next big thing in my life will be having children and the good Lord knows that will be years down the road. (in Jesus name I pray, amen.)

Have you ever heard the phrase, ‘bloom where you’re planted’? Well I have. I have heard it a million times before. It used to keep me grounded and focused on the here-and-now for all of about three minutes before I was thinking about the future and my ‘next big thing’, again. But somehow, now, it feels different. I do want to bloom where I’m planted. I should love where I’m at in life. I love living in Kansas City, I love having my family close by, I love living this life with a husband that makes it his personal mission to keep me laughing at every turn. Why then, do I feel so purposeless?

I was driving back to work after lunch today, throwing myself a pity party. Not really, just talking to God about how I’m kind of disappointed in this season of life and how I can’t seem to do anything significant. I took a deep breath, trying to relax my mind and my spirit, and almost instantly a thought popped into my head,

“I gave you that breath.”

Woah. Was that God?

I’ve always been hesitant to say that I’ve heard God speak to me, because I get inside my own head sometimes. But, guys, this was not my own thought. My mind was going in the opposite direction. My mind was focused on one thing, me.

God reminded me so softly, so gently, this is not about me.

This life, this season in life, it’s not about me or what I can do for Him or what I’m failing to do for Him.

By spending so much time in my own head, in my feelings of disappointment for how purposeless I feel right now, I am forgetting that the God of heaven gives me every single breath. You know what this means for me?

1. I am being seen and I am being cared for by God himself.
2. In my selfish desire to feel ‘important and do good things’ I am forgetting how good my God is.

I have been unable to feel God’s hand guiding my days because I have been so caught up in what I should be doing. God so sweetly reminded me that He is in control. That He is a good father. Nothing good that I do is because of me, it’s all because He is good. I don’t have to live up to some made up standard in my own mind. I am so loved and cherished by Him because of who He is! Not because of who I am or what I can do for Him.

So maybe that’s a stretch and my thoughts are all over the place. But maybe you can track and you can relate. Oswald Chambers says it like this,

“Get to the end of yourself where you can do nothing, but where He does everything.”

Guys, we can do nothing. We can’t even breath on our own. God in his great mercy gives us our every breath. He alone is so, so good.

I am at the end of myself in this season. I still need a few days to chew over the realizations I am having about God in this season of my life. I have to fight every day to stop trying to prove myself to be a good daughter of His and accept the fact that He chose me and will choose me every day, no matter what. I can stop trying to earn His love.

Whew. That’s a good feeling. Even in this season I can rest in the promise that I am loved and cherished by Him. I can live my life defined by that truth.

 

Be encouraged, friends.

 

Are you being defined by expectations that you or others have set? How are you succeeding at letting God’s love and mercy define you?